Oakland Unseen

Oakland, California's unreal news source.

Oakland Unseen hit with Cease and Desist orders

In the past day, Oakland Unseen’s offices have received several Cease and Desist letters from partie(s) we cannot name. By order of law, our noble publication satirizing life in Oakland and the East Bay will be suspended for an indeterminate amount of time due to letters talking about “prior restraint” and “temporary injunctions.”

We’re busy studying the law books and consulting with online lawyers to figure out what this all means, and we hope to be back online in the not so distant future.

Your humble and obedient servants,

Oakland Unseen editorial staff, #yolo

Don Perata to get his own reality show

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Don Perata, the former President pro tempore of the California State Senate, and arguably the most powerful behind-the-scenes politician in Northern California for the last two decades, is rumored to have secured a deal with Bravo to star in his own reality TV show.

Perata, known by friends as “The Don,” has expressed interest in having his life is chronicled by the network that has brought the world Top Chef, Vanderpump Rules, and The Real Housewives of New Jersey. The Don is Rising is a behind-the scenes look at the long-time East Bay “king-maker,” political puppet master, and Jean Quan nemesis. The show gives Perata’s take on the Justice Department and FBI’s 5-year investigation on his lifestyle.

Sources say the unscripted show following Alameda’s native son is like the Sopranos, but features more violence, extortion, and racketeering. “It’s like The Wire meets House of Cards, but nobody’s going to jail because the man orchestrating everything wrote the laws,” our key source said. When Oakland Unseen tried to reach out again to our source, he had mysteriously gone missing.

Former President Bush to sell paintings at May 2013 Oakland First Friday

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On May 3, 2013, former President George W. Bush said that he’s going to be selling his latest paintings alongside street vendors as part of Oakland’s First Friday, a street festival that accompanies Oakland’s monthly Art Murmur. He said that he’s out there to raise funds and has prepared a set of Diego-Rivera-inspired paintings in honor of May Day and international worker’s rights.

Bush also has an Endless Canvas exhibit of his street art coming up. He couldn’t reveal where it is, or details about the exhibit, but he said that it’s “in the style of Banksy, Pasha P183, and Moose.”

Sources familiar with the project indicate that it will be similar to Special Delivery 2012, but feature even more politically radical work addressing Obama’s drone policy and Guantanamo Bay detainee policy.

The 43rd president said “Being out of the White House has given me perspective and time to relax. Since moving into an artist collective in Emeryville and taking art classes at Laney, I’ve been exposed to ideas experimenting with form and function I never considered before. These have augmented my expressive palette.” The former president continued, with uncharacteristic eloquence, saying “Laura has been supportive of my hobby, and has helped me pick out super fat Cyclone Caps for my spray paint phase, and has championed my creative side as I branch into other organic modes of expression.”

Kevin Love and Kyrie Irving filming Pepsi commercial get schooled by playground legends in Oakland

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You know the script. You’ve likely seen the viral videos. Kyrie Irving dresses up as an old man known as Uncle Drew and dogs it during his first pickup basketball game. He soon gets progressively better and better, at which point he starts dunking over guys. What people on the playground court first thought was an old man who could barely make it up and down the court, ends up being an old man who miraculously plays at NBA All-Star level.

However, what the film crew didn’t know is that they picked the wrong courts to play at in Mosswood Park. And-1 Mixtape legends, former NBA standouts, current D-League, and Laney College point guards were all playing pickup games in Mosswood Park the day the Pepsi MAX team came out to film Uncle Drew going up against some authentic Oakland streetball.

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Pickup game at Mosswood Park in Oakland

Kevin Love tried to post up Greg Foster, and got swatted. On the next possession, J.R. Rider, with a 42-in vertical leap, drove baseline, leaping from outside the key and dunked over 6’10” Kevin Love. The NBA All-Star from the Minnesota Timberwolves looked stunned, and wondered what just happened, but he played on. Kyrie Irving, dressed as Uncle Drew, tried to cross up Antonio Davis, but Davis stole the ball, and did and off-the-backboard dunk to himself. At which point Irving and Love called a time-out to discuss their game plan.

Subbing in Ayinde Ubaka and Leon Powe on their team, Kyrie Irving and Kevin Love held their own and hit some outside jumpshots, but they couldn’t get enough penetration on Foster or Rider to dunk.

When Demetrius “Hook” Mitchell drove onto the court in a Cadillac, the teams took a break for halftime. He got out, and in a running start, leaped over the Cadillac for a dunk. Shocked, Irving and Love didn’t know what to do. Irving, trying to stay in his Uncle Drew character, said “In all my years of making buckets, I’ve never seen someone fly that far over asphalt to make a bucket.”

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Just another day on a basketball court in Oakland. Demetrius “Hook” Mitchell showcases one of his usual dunks.

Irving and Love decided to play against some older men who showed up on the court, including Brian Shaw, Paul Silas, and Wolfe Perry, but they were still neck and neck and couldn’t win a game. Silas said that he was going to call Jason Kidd, Gary Payton, and Bill Russell who’re in town for a Oakland Athletic League Hall of Fame ceremony, and see if they wanted to get in some games with Uncle Drew, who seemed to know his fundamentals.

When asked if they wanted to play these former NBA All-Stars from Oakland, Irving responded, “You know, I think we’ve had enough. I came to show these young bloods how to get buckets, but now I need to sit down, catch my breath, and drink some Pepsi MAX.” When interviewed after the streetball games in Oakland, Pepsi organizers said, “We should’ve done our homework before coming into Oakland for a pickup basketball game. We heard rumors about Oakland’s raw basketball talent before, but who knew that Oakland was stacked this deep with playground legends.”

Coliseum City to be a memorial for sports teams that used to be in Oakland

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Oakland’s proposed Coliseum City project to build more housing and retail space in East Oakland will feature memorials to the three sports teams that used to be in Oakland. The construction project, planned to be completed in 2020, will bring thousands of people and jobs to the area that used to be occupied by tens of thousands attending Oakland A’s, Golden State Warriors, and Oakland Raiders games.

Fans will be taken on interactive tours of where the Bash Brothers played in the Golden Age of A’s baseball with Mark McGuire, Jose Canseco, and Rickey Henderson.

Also included onsite is the Oakland sports Hall of Fame highlighting players like Bo Jackson with the Oakland Raiders, and Chris Mullin, Tim Hardaway, and Mitch Richmond with the Golden State Warriors. The museum features special exhibits on the Warriors “We Believe” era from 2005–2009, Moneyball (about the A’s under Billy Beane), and Raiders exhibits on John Madden and Al Davis. Visitors can also learn of concerts and events that used to take place in Oracle Arena, but have since moved across the Bay to the new Warriors waterfront arena.

OPD to hire NYPD officers involved in Kimani Gray shooting

Kimani Gray protester tackled in Brooklyn, NY

NYPD officers doing a routine traffic stop. (Photo courtesy of Atlanta Black Star)

Oakland Police Department, suffering from understaffing, is set to hire Officer Jovaniel Cordova and Sergeant Mourad Mourad to lead a new crime prevention team under Oakland’s $250K police consultant Bill Bratton.

At a March 18 press conference, the OPD spokesman read from a prepared statement: “Stop and Frisk works, but it doesn’t go far enough. Having Bratton, and these two decorated NYPD veterans implementing their ‘Stop and Shoot’ policy is projected to reduce non-officer-involved crime in Oakland by 35%.”

When asked who came up with the crime projection, the spokesman replied it was the same crack team of analysts who came up with Mayor Quan’s 100 Blocks Plan and Howard Jordan’s statistic that 90% of crime in Oakland was caused by two groups.

When asked how many officer-involved homicides this new policy would cause, the OPD spokesman replied, “Oh, we don’t keep track of that. Too much paperwork.”

The spokesman declined to comment on the ongoing civil litigation against the Oakland Police Department concerning the officer-involved shooting of Alan Blueford.

Jon Favreau leaving White House job to become Jean Quan’s speechwriter

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Jon Favreau announced today that the real reason he’s stepping down as President Obama’s head speechwriter is to take on a role with much more visibility: to be Oakland Mayor Jean Quan’s speechwriter.

After his first speech written for the mayor, a dazzling 73-minute oration on the State of the City in 2013, Twitter users and local press were unanimous in their praise of Quan’s ability to give clear direction and leadership for the once-embattled city.

Oakland Local wrote the following about the speech: “Favreau had been Obama’s mindreader coming up with powerful slogans like ‘Yes We Can’ that imparted a great sense of optimism, which ushered in the post-Bush era. In a similar manner, he’s shown his talents tonight, channeling the mayor’s charisma and high oratory skills that surpass Obama, Clinton, and Tony Blair. He’s definitely made a very smart decision, as working for Jean Quan can only advance his career.”