Oakland Unseen

Oakland, California's unreal news source.

Oakland Unseen receives major investment from the Crown Prince of Dubai

Just as Oakland Mayor Jean Quan claimed that the Crown Prince of Dubai is one of the backers for Coliseum City, Oakland Unseen, Oakland, California’s only source for news, is proud to announce a major investment from the Crown Prince of Dubai, who has taken a keen interest in affairs in Oakland.

Not only will his investments build Coliseum City, Brooklyn Basin, redevelop the Oakland Army Base, build 10,000 new housing units, and double Oakland’s police force, but the Crown Prince has expressed interest in building Oakland Unseen into a media empire. Stay tuned for more details.

SF passes new building law: All bricks must be exposed

(Photo by Teed Haze)

With the trend of exposed brick sweeping the Mission, South of Market, and Dogpatch, the San Francisco Board of Supervisors passed a new building law that all brick and masonry must be exposed in any building that has them in San Francisco.

Sen. Leland Yee wins NRA Hero Award


California State Senator Leland Yee (right) will be awarded the National Rifle Association’s ”Hero” award at a banquet planned for Friday. The NRA’s press release states that Yee is being honored “For preserving the 2nd Amendment—the right to bear arms. Sen. Yee has gone to great lengths to ensure that thousands of Americans’ right to bear arms is not violated.”

Oakland Unseen reached out to the NRA for comment, but have yet to receive a reply.

SF Weekly to publish paper featuring exclusively marijuana and escort ads


SF Weekly has announced that instead of publishing hard-hitting investigative journalism, editorials, and local arts coverage, going forward it will only publish ads for marijuana dispensaries and escort services.

When asked for comment, a SF Weekly editor who wished to not be identified replied, “Yes, we will consider Asian massage parlor ads, that gun show they have at the Cow Palace, and maybe some American Apparel ads, but no longer will we publish journalism or even editorial content in our paper because our market research has shown, that people only pick up our paper for the good stuff. And by ‘the good stuff,’ I mean the free coupons for medical marijuana doctor evaluations.”

The editor continued speaking wistfully, “It’s one of the great ironies that some of the best investigative journalism in the Bay Area has been funded by these questionable ads. Well, here’s to the end of an era, and the start of a new one,” he said before taking a bong hit.

Gates Foundation called into Marin to vaccinate feral children


Bill Gates is spearheading a vaccination campaign in one of the most vulnerable regions in the U.S.—Marin County.

Gate Foundation medical relief workers were called into Marin County, where dozens of children have been contracting diseases, which had previously been eradicated from the U.S. population. After further inspection and reading the local paper, the Marin Unvaccinated Journal, researchers discovered that the culprit was not a lack of education, but in fact over-education. Gates Foundation phlebotomists wore hazmat suits not to protect themselves from disease (for they had been already vaccinated), but to shield themselves from the Southern Marin parents’ sense of overwhelming self-righteousness.


Vaccinations are rarely seen in Southern Marin, where over-protective parents believe injections cause autism and mental disabilities.

After hearing bogus stories second-hand from Jenny McCarthy about vaccines causing autism and the dangerous preservatives and chemicals in the injections, the parents of Southern Marin have launched an anti-vaccine crusade, which may end up being as deadly as the real Crusades.

An epidemiologist told Oakland Unseen, “These parents are so loving and accepting of everything—even deadly pathogens.” The Gates Foundation is still struggling to quell the anti-medical sentiment among the parents and their personal belief exemptions. The doctor continued, “I’m just trying to do my job, and with populations of some pre-schools exceeding 10% unvaccinated children, we could see a clearing of the herd, and I don’t want to be around when these parents clash with child protective services.”

Squirrel meat is latest food craze sweeping Berkeley


A ground squirrel at Cesar Chavez Park, likely to end up on a plate at a Michelin-starred restaurant in Berkeley. (Photo by Bill Williams/Creative Commons via Berkeleyside).

It seems like you can’t go anywhere in Berkeley today without seeing squirrel on the menu. Leave it to the genius that is Berkeley’s own Alice Waters and local food writer Michael Pollan who negotiated their omnivore’s dilemma to master the art of simple food. And nothing is more simple than going down to Cesar Chavez Park, setting a few traps, and 30 minutes later having a dozen squirrels to grill or turn into salumi.

Squirrels once ran rampant on Berkeley’s shoreline until Alice Waters transformed their meat into the latest culinary must-have. First, Waters pioneered cooking with organic vegetables, followed by grass-fed beef. She then followed it up with organic, free-range, non-GMO slow meat.

And then Pollan-inspired East Bay urban gardeners took “local” to the next level with urban farming and homesteading in CSAs throughout Berkeley. Alice Waters has taken Berkeley’s food movement to its next logical step: delivering hyper-local protein from the burrows under Cesar Chavez Park to the plates at Chez Panisse.


Berkeley organic food pioneer Alice Waters discusses with Head Chef David Tanis how to best prepare squirrel tartare. (Photo by Mike Kepka, The Chronicle)

And “it’s a win-win situation,” said former Berkeley Marina mechanic Bill Witherson. “The squirrels aren’t burrowing into the toxic waste that could potentially leech into the Bay every time it rains, and we get locally-sourced, sustainably harvested, grass-fed meat! Berkeley is just so ahead of the rest of the country. I don’t know why they just don’t get it,” Witherson said with a Clint-Eastwood-esque look on his face, staring far off into the Bay.

BottleRock Festival organizers promise to lose even more money this year


After losing $8 million last year, organizers of Napa Valley’s BottleRock Music Festival plan to go into debt an order of magnitude more, perhaps even into the territory of ‘Oakland Cathedral debt’ (which stands at $115 million).

The 3-day festival from May 30-June 1, which cost $20 million to put on last year brought in just over $11 million, and it’s left well over $2.5 million in unpaid wages to its workers from the 2013 festival. But that didn’t stop organizers from planning an even more spectacular festival for 2014. This year, they plan to have a bonfire during OutKast’s set. When OutKast performs their 2000 hit “Bombs over Baghdad,” $30 million in cash will be burned in a massive bonfire at the center of the festival grounds.

The main attraction for 2014’s BottleRock Festival is a bonfire fueled by $30 million in $100 bills.

"I mean, when they look back at what happened last year, people will forget about the $8 million. That was child’s play. We’re taking this to beyond MC-Hammer-proportions,” an anonymous festival organizer told Oakland Unseen while riding the Napa wine train.

Oakland Unseen interviewed prospective concert goers outside San Francisco’s Academy of Art University. A possible concert attendee Sarah Han said, “The OutKast reunion sounds awesome, if I wasn’t already seeing them play the month before at Coachella, I’d consider it.”

When asked if there was something unique about the BottleRock Festival, that separated it from the other half-dozen major music festivals happening throughout California, Sarah said “In Napa, they have good wine and cheese, so they have that going for them. Because nothing says it’s going to be a wild party for early-20-somethings quite like wine and cheese.”

New Dolores Park construction to make restrooms even smaller


People standing in the Dolores Park bathroom line, which will soon extend for miles. (Photo by Gregory Thomas, Mission Local)

San Francisco, known for having the fewest public restrooms per capita in the U.S., is taking it a step further. They’re consolidating the Dolores Park restrooms into a single stall that will serve both men and women.

When asked why they were doing this, a spokesman for the San Francisco Recreation and Park Department told Oakland Unseen, “We’ve heard from the people of San Francisco, and the response is that they like standing in line. So we’ve decided to make that line even longer.”

Oakland-themed hotel to open in Las Vegas


Following the success of other city-themed hotels and casinos including the Venetian, Paris, and New York New York, an Oakland-themed hotel is slated to open in Las Vegas.

The project tentatively named “Las Vegas Oakland” is slated to break ground in late 2014. The financiers behind Coliseum City—Colony Capital and HayaH Holdings—are also the lead financiers behind this new Las Vegas resort hotel, and insist that the construction of this hotel, like the proposed Coliseum City, is in no way a mirage or insurance scheme. A spokesperson for the new hotel told Oakland Unseen, “We don’t just believe in the city, we believe in the power of the Oakland brand.”

In 2011 the New York Times rated Oakland the fifth most popular place to visit in the world. However, while people are willing to acknowledge Oakland’s rise as an artistic and culinary center, few want to visit the city because of its crime problems and bad reputation. So the same team behind Coliseum City decided to recreate the best parts of Oakland all under 1 roof in Las Vegas.


The to-scale model of the Tribune Tower is the most expensive penthouse at Las Vegas Oakland.

When you enter the hotel, you’re greeted by an MC Hammer impersonator, (or is it MC Hammer?) You have the choice between many suites named after famous people in Oakland’s history, including Jack London, Gertrude Stein, Bruce Lee, Bill Russell, and Richard Aoki. The most expensive suite is the penthouse at the top of the to-scale recreation of the Tribune Tower called “the Dennis Chaconas.” It will set you back $89 million dollars.

Instead of a pirate show like they have at Treasure Island, in the parking lot at Las Vegas Oakland, every night at midnight is a recreation of the Eastmont Mall sideshows that took place at the height of the Hyphy Movement. But don’t be worried about security during your stay at the Las Vegas Oakland, because every inch of the hotel and resort is covered by cameras provided by the people behind the Domain Awareness Center.


Every night at Las Vegas Oakland at midnight there’s a sideshow in the parking lot for the entertainment of hotel and resort guests.

Also signed up is Cirque du Soleil who will produce a new show tentatively titled “Occupy Cirque.” As a first for the entertainment powerhouse, audience members will have the opportunity to join performers directly on stage during the show. Keeping with the theme, patrons are asked to repeat every line of the socialist-driven dialog in the hastily-assembled script, and those who violate the show’s no filming policy will have their cameras broken by acrobats dressed as Oakland police officers.

For the budget-conscious traveler, you can stay in a tent on the front lawn as part of the recreation of the Occupy Oakland encampment in Oscar Grant Plaza. Those looking for extreme budget discounts can stay in half-built rooms modeled after the slumlord projects at 715 Peralta Street, or stay in a recreation of the charred remains of the senior center next to West Oakland BART.


Las Vegas Oakland’s to-scale replica of Oakland’s key buildings (such as the Fox Theater above) allows tourists to experience Oakland without actually having to go into the dangerous city.

Many Oakland buildings and iconic art pieces will be recreated in the hotel’s street frontage beside a fountain inspired by Lake Merritt. While not confirmed, there is speculation that the developers are negotiating with the city to transport Oakland’s hidden “Remember Them” sculpture to the hotel. According to a gaming expert, placing these statues of human rights advocates above gaming tables will contribute to the atmosphere to encourage more betting.

Oakland Mayor Jean Quan has said that she needs to make multiple trips to Las Vegas in 2014 to solidify the plans on this construction project and stay at several Las Vegas luxury hotels for market research.

Proposed new Oakland stadium “may come with working bathrooms”


Future restrooms for the Oakland A’s “waterfront” stadium

In response to Keith Olbermann berating Oakland A’s owner Lew Wolff that despite winning the National League West title for the second year in a row, “they’re playing in an outhouse with scoreboards.” Wolff argued back that the continued plumbing problems in the O.co Stadium dugouts and coaches’ room has actually be a carefully crafted advertisement for Roto-Rooter.

Wolff told Oakland Unseen, “We have this Roto-Rooter sponsorship, and so we need them to come out at least every month, and we figured, what place would be more visible to the value of Roto-Rooter’s services than having the dugout and coaches’ room overflowing? This is not owner neglect, or a metaphor for how I’ve treated the team and fans over the years, but a carefully crafted marketing plan. Plus, if things get out of hand, I have plenty of tarps.”

Oakland Mayor Quan’s real 10K plan includes Occupy tent cities protesting her as mayor

What Mayor Jean Quan’s 10K Plan could look like. (Photo by Joe Sciarrillo, Bay Area Underground)

Oakland Mayor Jean Quan in what may be her last State of the City Address outlined her vision of a 10K Plan. It’s inspired by Jerry Brown’s 10K Plan which brought 10,000 people to Downtown Oakland, except in her plan, there will be 10,000 Occupy protesters in Downtown Oakland protesting her leadership as Mayor.